How to be a good in-law (and not become an outlaw!)

{ˈin-ˌlȯ}: a relative by marriage (noun)

As a parent, you mostly believe that no boy or girl will ever be good enough to marry your boy or girl and sometimes dread the day that they will arrive home announcing that they have found “the one”. You teach your children about love, relationships, boundaries and how to be a good life partner themselves, but you should also prepare yourself to allow them to become this person and let go when the time is right.

When a couple gets engaged, I believe that most parents are elated with the happiness that their children now get to embark on this special journey, not only of building a marriage and a life together but of planning a wedding. Wedding planning is supposed to be fun and stress-free, but often the parents are most guilty of misconduct and contribute to the bride and groom's stress levels.

Let’s get the awkward topic of money out of the way first

As soon as your son or daughter gets engaged, it is a good time to have a one-on-one conversation with them regarding wedding finances, their expectations, and what you can contribute. It is important that there is no miscommunication here and if you offer to pay for their wedding, ensure that you know what you are letting yourself in for. It is the year 2024 and a wedding can easily shake up your retirement savings.

Who should be invited?

Drawing up a guestlist is a good starting point for wedding planning, as this guides you as to the size of venue you need and will also help settle some budget-related questions. If you are paying for the entire wedding, I know that it is very tempting to invite every single member from the golf, bridge and bowling teams, but please be sensitive here and allow the newly engaged couple to invite their nearest and dearest. If the couple is paying for some or most of their wedding, distant relatives do not have to be invited and if they feel that they would rather invite another table of friends, allow them to do so, without making a fuss.

Oh, so many choices!

The newly engaged, starry-eyed couple will soon start venue hunting and securing vendors for flowers, music, photography, and the rest. It is very important that you remain as involved as they allow you to be, but never take over. It is most likely that your future daughter-in-law doesn’t share your vision for venue, flowers, or dress, but this is their day – allow them to make their own choices!

How involved should we be at kitchen teas and bachelor parties?

Your son or daughter would typically have a best friend or two in the form of bridesmaids and groomsmen who will take the lead on organizing pre-wedding festivities. As soon as the conversation starts, ensure that the person in charge of the arrangements knows that you are willing to assist and contribute where needed, but don’t take over the organizing unless they ask you to do so. Graciously participate in whatever festivities are arranged and when the youngsters want to continue the party into the night, don’t be offended if you are not invited.

Other pre-wedding gatherings

Some couples wish to have an engagement party, pre-wedding rehearsal dinner, or just a get-to-know-the-family gathering before the wedding to ensure that there is no awkwardness on the day. Speak to your son/daughter and ask them if they have such expectations and if they would like for you to host this. Often, they are so over-whelmed by wedding stress, that they may just appreciate this kind gesture of you taking another item on their checklist, off their hands. Keep an open line of communication with the couple here and respect their wishes by only inviting who they wish to have there and keeping the gathering in line with their wishes and expectations. You do not want the pre-party to overshadow the wedding.

Getting ready for the wedding

On the day of a wedding, the stress levels may already be through the roof, please don’t be the cause of or contributor to this. If you are the mother of the groom, ensure that your son and his following have snacks and drinks to enjoy while they are getting ready and be present for the important moments. If you are having your hair and make-up done, plan this accordingly so that the photographer does not have to wait on you for key photos such as pinning on his boutonniere. Your choice of outfit is also extremely important – stay away from any shade of white, off-white, cream, ivory or any other colour that might clash with the bride. Keep it stylish and conservative and please don’t spend months in advance discussing your outfit with everyone willing to listen – you are not the bride. If your daughter-to-be graciously offers that your hair and make-up is done with theirs, accept it and leave afterwards. Don’t pry as to what her dress looks like or interfere with special moments she might want to share with her mother.

If you are the mother of the bride, again, it is your duty to take care of snacks while they are getting ready, but you need to be more involved here. Your daughter most likely wants you close by for affirmation, to help her get dressed, add jewellery and to be captured in those special mother-daughter moments. These are very special memories that will be cherished forever, be present.

Wedding day

I imagine that there are few prouder moments in a parent’s life than sitting in the front seat, watching your son or daughter take their nuptials and welcoming a new daughter or son-in-law into your family. You are allowed to shed a tear here and it is ok to be the first to embrace the couple for a congratulations afterwards. During the reception, there might be some speeches and again this calls for extreme judgement as to what is appropriate and which “When you were little”-stories are best left untold. Remember, most of the time it is caught on camera and you don’t want your embarrassing speech to be the highlight of the wedding video for the wrong reasons.

The most important aspect to remember is that this journey is not yours, but rather one of great excitement and anticipation for your son or daughter and their new life partner. Enjoy the journey with them, encourage, support and offer your help where it is needed – they might not express their gratitude now but will remember this well into their future.

Contact Rickety Bridge Weddings & Functions Manager, Eldorét Visser for full details of the wedding packages on offer and to schedule a site visit. Email: functions@ricketybridge.com

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